By Alino

Greetings friends!  How to Befriend a Goblin is a new column written by myself, Alino, meant to teach you about goblins, how to find them, and ultimately how to become friends with them.  In my experience, many people don’t like goblins, considering them vile, aggressive, and sometimes even downright mean little creatures.  However, I believe that they have many endearing qualities.  They like to be petted, and act very cute when you give them food.  People just need to know how to properly interact with them.

I hope through this guide, people will learn how to properly interact with these delightful creatures, and maybe even come to appreciate them like I do.  They might not be fluffy, they might act finicky, and they might harass the local avian life, but they’re also loyal and clever companions.

Make sure to buy next week’s paper, where we’ll start discussing how to go about finding a goblin!

Step 1: Finding a Goblin

Welcome back!  Today, we’ll be looking at how to go about finding a goblin.  Goblins can be skittish, and like places with lots of hidey holes, since they feel secure in enclosed spaces.  This is why goblins are sometimes found in urban areas, where local officials often consider them to be vermin, although others claim they drive down the rodent population.

They can also be found in natural areas, most often in forests, caves, or hilly areas filled with abandoned dens.  Finding a goblin can be difficult, since they are very good at using their natural camouflage to hide.  They can blend in with piles of dead leaves, muddy turf, or even withered old trees and rocky ground, depending on the breed.  

Although goblins might be baited out with sweets or meats, especially smoked meats, finding goblins is largely a waiting game, as you wait for them to come to you.  The trick is to stay still and be patient.  Although goblins are skittish, they are also curious, and eventually they will come out to investigate the person in their home.

If a large clowder of goblins chooses to approach you, do not panic.  Tales of goblins with an insatiable hunger for the flesh of humanoids are largely exaggerated.  They don’t hate it though, so be careful.  Goblins won’t usually attack someone if one of their own is behaving in a friendly manner towards the person in question, so offer a treat to the most docile looking one.  This will indicate that you are to be trusted.  If one of the goblins takes a particular liking to you, they may even choose to follow you home.  We will discuss what to do if this happens next time, so make sure you pick up next week’s paper!

Step 2: How to Take Care of a Goblin

Welcome back!  During the course of your interactions with goblins, one of them, usually one you’ve offered food, may choose to follow you home.  In this case, congratulations!  You’ve befriended a goblin!  Now, you need to know how to take care of it.  The most important thing is to remember that this goblin is not your pet.  Although they may like to be petted, especially on bony areas like their shoulders and wrists, they are not domesticated.  Think of goblins as more like guests than pets.  You take care of them, but they are free to leave whenever they choose.  Goblins especially detest collars and leashes, so only take them for walks if you are certain that they will behave themselves.

When it comes to food, goblins are mostly carnivorous, although they are technically omnivorous and will eat any food you offer them.  My general recommendation is to offer vegetables as a side to any meal, with fruit being offered as a treat.  A house goblin’s diet will still consist mostly of meat though, so make sure you are always stocked up.  Your goblin will probably desire red meat, but it’s important to give them a healthy mix, including less fatty meats like poultry and fish, in order to keep them healthy.  White meat most closely matches the prey they hunt in the wild.

When it comes to a place for them to sleep, don’t bother making anything, since goblins like to make their own dwellings.  However, I suggest you have lots of rags, newspapers, and other soft things readily available for your goblin to use, lest they decide to tear up any furniture for the soft stuffing inside.

Make sure to pick up next week’s paper, where we’ll continue to discuss how to take care of your goblin friend.

Step 3:

I don’t like goblins anymore.  My goblin bit me, laughed about it to my face, and then jumped out the window and ran away.  I am writing this with my left hand because it hurts to move my other arm because of the bite wound in it.  I’m done.  If my editors want to keep milking this column and publish the transcript anyways, that’s fine.  But I’m ending with this.  Do not go looking for goblins.  Do not feed goblins.  And most certainly do not bring them home with you.  They will bite you.  Really hard.

A note from the editor:

Alino has since quit his job, telling us he “should never have let us talk him into this harebrained idea for a column,” and that he’s “still waiting for us to provide financial compensation for his injuries.”
Make sure to buy next week’s paper, where Hallin will be introducing her new column: Trolls, How to Find Them, and What They Like to Eat.