The Team Fortress 2 mercenaries are an enigmatic bunch. Outside of their nationalities we know very little about them. Some of them we don’t even know the name of. But one thing we do know is which ones aren’t gay, or at least we can know if we just do a little digging. So that’s what I’m going to do today. Starting with the most obvious three and moving from there, I will share with you all which of the Team Fortress 2 mercenaries are not gay.
#9: The Spy
The Spy is perhaps the easiest step on our journey of knowledge, as well as the easiest of the mercs in general, if his reputation as a ladies’ man is to be believed. And it should be, as Meet the Spy features an iconic moment where the Blu Spy shares photographs he took of the Red Spy engaging in a loving and intimate encounter with Scout’s mom.
Now of course, one could dismiss this meeting as a sham. Perhaps Spy was simply using his masculine wiles for nefarious purposes. He is a spy, after all. But by the end of the video, the Red Spy is alone with the photos, and picks up a rather chaste one before declaring scout’s mom his “little cauliflower” in French. While a confusing thing to say, especially since he uses a foreign tongue to do so, the legitimate sincerity of sentiment seems clear. So I think we can safely say that the Spy. . .
is not gay.
#8: The Scout
The Scout is an interesting case, as at first his homosexuality or lack thereof seems obvious. In Expiration Date he tells Spy that he is “great with girls,” a statement that is accompanied by a flashback that shows him seducing a strangely low poly woman through their matching fried food preference.
Things get more complicated, however, when God comes into the picture. In one of the Team Fortress 2 comics, Scout briefly meets a stereotypical Christian representation of God, who asks him if Scout has lain with all the women, to which Scout responds with an incredulous “no.” Since it seems unlikely that Scout would lie to God, it’s possible that Scout’s earlier boasting was exaggerated, designed more to raise his social status as a man than to reflect his actual sexual practices. Which raises the question, is Scout even actually interested in women, or is he pretending to be because he sees it as vital part of his identity as a man?
Thankfully, we have an answer. The description of the Track Terrorizer, a cute little cosmetic item that gives Scout a track and field jacket in reference to his quick speed, reveals that Scout is a sexual predator who preys on teenage girls. Therefore, we can conclude that the Scout. . .
is not gay.
#3: The Pyro
Even in comparison to the other mercs of Mann Co., there are many things we do not know about the Pyro. But thankfully, his sexual orientation is not one of them, as confirmed by Matthew Patrick in his iconic video “The TF2 Pyro…Male or Female?”
Therefore, we can state with confidence that the Pyro. . .
is gay.
#4: The Demoman
Things become a little more complicated with Demoman, as his sexuality is less important to the story of Team Fortress 2 than our previous three mercenaries. But with a little decoding, we can find an answer.
One of Demoman’s lines when using the cheer command while in-game has him state:
“If I wasn’t the man I was I’d kiss ya”
This line, stated in the company of entirely other men, implies that if Demoman was the man he wasn’t, then he would kiss the target of that statement, said target being another man. This means that something about the man Demoman was precludes him from kissing said man. Therefore we can conclude that the Demoman. . .
is not gay.
#5: The Engineer
Now we come to the big ones, the ones that we really need to dig into in order to find out the secrets of their sexual orientations. The Engineer, as a man of science, has little time for sex or relationships, as brilliant scientists are universally known for their chaste natures and never having affairs. And in fact, Engineer has never shown any sort of sexual interest in another human. But notice that I specified human, as Engineer has been known to engage in romantic rendezvous with his sentry gun.
The sentry gun, as a non anthropomorphized machine, does not have a gender. While this does not mean that Engineer isn’t attracted to other men, it does mean that he is not exclusively attracted to people of the same sex. Therefore, we can conclude that the Engineer. . .
is not gay.
#6: The Heavy
The Heavy Weapons Guy, like Engineer, is another Mercenary with an unhealthy attachment to his weapon of choice. Unlike Engie however, Heavy does not have sex with his. Despite not being as depraved as the Engineer, Heavy is still mocked relentlessly for his closeness with said gun, as evidenced by the Scout:
“I think I’ll take Sasha out for a steak dinner tonight. What ya think about that?”
In this domination line, Scout not only implies that Heavy is in a relationship with his minigun, but further discusses his plans to “cuck” the Heavy by wooing said minigun. Surely a man facing these sorts of taunts would not encourage them by giving his gun a woman’s name. Unless, of course, Heavy prefers the guys to the gals, which would mean that the name Sasha actually disimplies any sort of impropriety going on between Heavy and his gun. Considering this, I can confidently state that the Heavy. . .
is gay.
#7: The Medic
As another man of science, Medic’s achievements in his field are the focus of his character, as opposed to whose warm embrace he chooses to help him escape the debilitating cruelty of the world around him. One thing we do know, however, is that he is very close with Heavy, the two having a bond much closer than the other mercenaries. This is in spite of how difficult it is to get a Medic player to heal you while playing as the Heavy, as they don’t want to seem like they are “trying to recreate Meet the Medic,” no matter how advantageous it would be in the current situation.
Considering how close Medic and Heavy’s friendship is, as well as how hot the two men are, it would seem inevitable that they would be in a romantic relationship if both were gay. As they are not, I think it is safe to say that the Medic. . .
is not gay.
#8: The Sniper
The sniper is a man’s man, living in the outback, killing others in cold blood for money, and peeing in jars so that he can later throw said jars of urine at his opponents. With how desirable these traits make him to the fairer sex, you’d think cosmic forces would conspire to ensure that Sniper was straight. But alas, things are not so simple.
In the German dub, one of Sniper’s domination lines has him refer to his dominated opponent using a homophobic slur. However, this clashes with the rest of Sniper’s character, as he is too cool to be homophobic. Therefore he must be using said slur ironically, meaning that the Sniper. . .
is gay.
#9: The Soldier
The Soldier is primarily known for two things: Being American, and thinking he’s a soldier. Since the United States of America in the 60s was known for being really cool with homosexuality, especially in the military, Soldier would have no reason to hide being gay if he was. Although Soldier’s friendship with the Demoman is clearly platonic, Soldier did have a close relationship with his former roommate Merasmus, to the point of killing Tom Jones out of jealously.
Soldier also slept with one of Heavy’s sisters, got engaged to her, and is planning on having a child with her, which means that the Soldier. . .
is not gay.
If you liked this, maybe you’ll also like my previous post about Elder Scrolls lore. Maybe? Possibly? Surely there must be some overlap in interest?
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